Pleasure & Intimacy

Boundaries are important for the health of any relationship (whether it is a relationship with your parents, children, romantic partners, friends or colleagues). If you fear that your relationship with any of the above will suffer if you set a boundary and just be a people-pleaser to avoid rocking the boat, eventually resentment will build up and will actually threaten the very relationship you were trying to protect with your, parent, partner, children, friend or colleague(s). Don’t suffer in silence. Setting boundaries always comes down to effective communication and it’s a litmus test to see whether or not the person with whom you’re setting the boundary with actually respects you enough to respect the boundary you have set and support you. [A lot to take in there!] If there is likely to be a complete blow out after you’ve set a boundary, that’s a bad sign. That suggests that your relationship is conditional and is based on superficial benefits rather than unconditional acceptance.

When you don't feel safe, it's difficult to set and hold boundaries. Embodying safety is essential to your boundary work. Brene Brown said, “Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others.” Disappointing others may feel unsafe for those who are prone to people-pleasing. It can be a trauma response from a previous unhealthy relationship or an abusive upbringing or where you have experienced emotional neglect or manipulation or emotional bullying.

Ignoring the ‘little’ things can become big things that threaten a relationship. It’s important that we turn towards difficult conversations rather than away and feel safe in the relationship to convey what we need, what we desire, when you feel unappreciated or when you need some space.

Maintaining personal boundaries in any relationship is crucial for the individuals involved, as it allows for a healthy and respectful dynamic. It is important to establish and communicate these boundaries to ensure that everyone feels safe and respected. Mark Manson, author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck, said it best ‘acts of love are only valid if they’re performed without conditions or expectations’. He goes on to say, ‘People with strong boundaries are not afraid of a temper tantrum, an argument, or getting hurt. People with weak boundaries are terrified of those things and will constantly mold their own behavior to fit the highs and lows of their relational emotional roller coaster. People with strong boundaries understand that it’s unreasonable to expect two people to accommodate each other 100 percent and fulfil every need the other has. People with strong boundaries understand that they may hurt someone’s feelings sometimes, but ultimately they can’t determine how other people feel. People with strong boundaries understand that a healthy relationship is not about controlling one another but rather about supporting the other in their individual growth and in solving their own problems. It’s not about giving a fuck about everything your partner gives a fuck about; it’s about giving a fuck about your partner regardless of the fucks he or she gives. That’s unconditional love, baby.

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